It’s been a while, I know! My life is a roller coaster ever since COVID started and to be honest it has taken a toll on my mental health. The isolation that I have to do to protect the people around me, the sacrifices that I have to make for humankind, it was indeed what I’ve been longing for; My Life’s Purpose. I did find it but I was just not prepared for the consequences.
Ever since I was young, I always tell myself, I will not slip out of this world without feeling that I have a purpose. I will make a mark in this world as someone who is an asset, not a liability. When I vowed to find this purpose before I die, I knew the route is the medical field. I have always been fascinated by human anatomy, how does a microscopic egg cell that gets fertilized by a sperm cell can become a fetus growing inside a human body and get expulsed after 9 months. And how does this tiny human grow into an enormous being? My favourite subject in nursing school is Pathophysiology because it will explain the why’s of human diseases and the human body.
Fast forward after passing 2 licensure exams (the Philippines and Canada) and years of serving humanity, I have entered a phase no one in the medical field ever expected; a PANDEMIC. At the early stage of the pandemic, people are criticizing nurses for whining and complaining about being overworked and working around COVID positive patients. “Isn’t it what you signed up for?” I feel like my ears are about to explode every time I hear this. Why? Because when we decided to get into nursing school and sworn the Nightingale pledge, we did not sign up for a pandemic with no proper PPE and forced to work back-to-back shifts.
I have never seen so much death before my eyes. Every day I would go home from work, I will scrub myself from whatever is left of me, go to sleep and start again the next day. Yes, I did slip into depression after the first wave and shortly before the second wave. I couldn’t even book myself to see a therapist because I can’t bear the thought of being in close contact with people outside of the hospital. I bore my pain and brush it aside, I don’t talk about it because I don’t want people to know I am suffering inside. I started to isolate myself, I deleted all my social media accounts because I can’t lie anymore that I am okay every time people ask me how I am. I totally shut off from the world. I made my job “my world” because it is the only place that I feel happy. I also got distracted with school, but in between school and work, I am a hollowed being. I am empty, I feel empty. I feel like walking in a very dark and narrow tunnel that never ends. I finally hit rock bottom and I knew I needed help.
I am currently seeking help. I am also doing my own research and helping myself overcome past hurts and childhood traumas. I am still a work in progress. I am taking my time and I am also very patient with myself. I no longer seek outside validation. I no longer force relationships and friendships that I know are already hopeless. Call me selfish because I will be this time. My priority right now is my mental health and I will work hard to achieve that equilibrium.
These photos were taken today because I got bored. They were taken around my apartment using my iPhone. I actually like the grainy effect. It looks vintage. I will call them my self portraits!
Top: Wilfred by Aritzia
Boots: Forever 21
Camel Coat: Le Chateau
Handbag: Michael Kors
iPhone Case: Kenzo